DISJOINTED

Call it queer or weird but she didn't want to talk to anyone which was so unlike her.She ruthlessly threw her cell phone with all the strength she could muster and hurled it at the blank wall in front of her. Her phone however withstood the torture and defiantly landed on the floor with a deafening sound.As if to establish it's defiance,it started vibrating seconds after it had been unceremoniously discarded.She switched off the intrusive little object and threw it right back on the floor.She did not know why she felt so agitated and disoriented all of a sudden.
She couldn't pinpoint the actual reason that had caused her to behave in such an uncharacteristic manner.This was the culmination of too many things at the same time.Her forehead was throbbing painfully.She desperately looked for an outlet to give vent to her frustrations.
She just wanted to sit down and think but she couldn't get her thoughts to cohere at a single point.Random images and disconnected memories flitted in and out of her mind.It was almost like she was looking at the inside of the kaleidoscope where the images kept changing with each turn.She was frantically searching for a reprieve from the deluge of past memories that kept coming back to her.
She was tired of every damn thing-tired of LIFE.She was tired of always having to keep up appearances-tired of being the cool-headed diplomat who wouldn't turn a hair even under the most excruciating circumstance.She had started to hate the image that people had of her in their minds.She knew her image fluctuated with the vagaries of her behaviour and different people had different opinions about her. Over the years,she had succeeded in creating contrasting multiple personalities of her own self which varied from people to people.She donned on the garb of the sympathetic listener,the cynical intellectual,the vivacious,garrulous eighteen year old and that of the confident,unassuming go-getter with equal ease.BUT for the first time,she was tired of the sense of obligation and commitment that had come to burden her like a millstone round her neck.She was tired of being misunderstood-tired of behaving in an expected manner-tired of pleasing everybody.
For the first time,she felt exposed in front of her own self and with the insouciance of an immatured,insecure child,she started screaming at the top of her voice and then spent,dissolved into convulsive sobs.
She switched on her phone.The text messages kept coming in one by one.Some expressed concern while some expressed reproach.Bo said "D,y is ur cel switchd off??i hav bin tryin 2 reach u ol day.hav u gone nuts??.plss respond".
Ana said "D,stop bhavin like a kid.do u even knw wat ur about 2 do?hav u lost it girl?i knw its difficult 4 u.pls v ol luv u.v want u 2 b happy."
Jay sed "Please pick up your phone.Do you think you can BEAR it?"
and the final text read "D, i know i hav hurt you badly.i hav been terribly mean,stupid,selfish.haven't ever tried understanding u.u hav always told me you are nothing without me but hav you ever wondered whether i am anything without you?i knw u love me a lot.please come back."
There was one thing that she could never face and that was rejection of her ego.
She remained unmoved and started deleting the text messages one by one.
She knew then that the time had come for detachment.

when you have a lot to say but lack the enthusiasm...

i seriously need to get back to writing..i know i sound apologetic but a very terrifying thought has been tormenting me for quite some days now which hasn't done much to my already disintegrating self-confidence.
There are those days when i am considerably high for no apparent reason whatsoever..i feel i am almost at the zenith of this universe..the lone man standing u know with that super exuberant "bring it on" gleeful smile.. i feel almost invincible n yess surprisingly powerful..a weird kind of a beautiful sensation when you know You are the Boss and somewhere you are at a position where you can command..nothing can go wrong with you at that particular moment..and without appearing to be condescending,you want the entire world to know that you are somewhat Superior..but next instant before you realize you have hit rock bottom and you come tumbling down from your exalted state of ecstacy..and things have to go wrong then almost purposefully i feel then,which accentuates your sense of delusion..
lately..i have been going through this phase when i repeatedly keep feeling "i am losing my touch"..needless to say it is indeed a v frightening thought..there is this gnawing feeling at the back of my mind that somewhere i am losing my creativity..the power of expression..i had never been an eloquent speaker or a prolific writer but somewhere i had always taken pride in the fact that i was somehow in some weird way different, special from the others.. I suddenly did not feel so "special" anymore..this over-rated feeling of apparent self delusion was however concocted by none other than yours truly..it was my self defence mechanism that i had created for myself which i feel is not working anymore..the realization is indeed difficult to comprehend unless one goes through a simmilar phase..
there are days when i get up in the mornings and feel i cannot write anymore..i am running out of ideas..i do attempt to write something but end up feeling the plot that i have created is too hackneyed and cliched..sheets of paper torn out hastily from my note-book in a moment of divine inspiration lies crumpled up untidly on my bed looking v much in sync and accentuating the sense of disorder that one feels when they enter my room..i had always been a disorganized person..something that i had always tried to justify when given a chance..
i really want to say a lot but as my post says..i am just lacking the enthusiasm these days..
i want to get back to my exalted state v soon n i guess i will soon enough n then i want to believe there would be this endless stream of blog posts that i would churn out regularly and my words would be eloquent and expressions articulate and my ideas well would be different..more like SPECIAL..well so much for my optimism
i'l get back soon

ANGUISH!!!

the feeling of anguish mingled with the powerful all-consuming sense of regret is indeed terrible.now this feeling of anguish n regret, is something that creeps in when you least expect it and the uncanny suddenness of this feeling leaves you dazed and momentarily bewildered.
i believe this feeling comes to you like an uninvited guest and generally overstays its visit but therez precious little you could do bout it..but then you know that this is the signal for you to make amends even though there is this small voice at the back of your head reminding you that NOTHING PROBABLY WOULD BE THE SAME AGAIN...
all you are left with,is your bemused gaze desperately trying to grasp..what actually went wrong??.
few more days pass and you look into the mirror to find dishevelled hair,haggard appearance and a solitary tear trickling down your cheeks...you want to cry out aloud but the clammy hands of ANGUISH and REGRET vehemently seems to grasp your neck in an attempt to strangulate you..all you are left with is sadly the overwhelming sense of helplessness..
but then again with the same kind of suddenness...like a bolt out of the blue..you realize the depths of your stupidity and you try to move on with a strength and vigour that is baffling and at the same time commendable..
n then the SUN-SHINE is back again..