i seriously need to get back to writing..i know i sound apologetic but a very terrifying thought has been tormenting me for quite some days now which hasn't done much to my already disintegrating self-confidence.
There are those days when i am considerably high for no apparent reason whatsoever..i feel i am almost at the zenith of this universe..the lone man standing u know with that super exuberant "bring it on" gleeful smile.. i feel almost invincible n yess surprisingly powerful..a weird kind of a beautiful sensation when you know You are the Boss and somewhere you are at a position where you can command..nothing can go wrong with you at that particular moment..and without appearing to be condescending,you want the entire world to know that you are somewhat Superior..but next instant before you realize you have hit rock bottom and you come tumbling down from your exalted state of ecstacy..and things have to go wrong then almost purposefully i feel then,which accentuates your sense of delusion..
lately..i have been going through this phase when i repeatedly keep feeling "i am losing my touch"..needless to say it is indeed a v frightening thought..there is this gnawing feeling at the back of my mind that somewhere i am losing my creativity..the power of expression..i had never been an eloquent speaker or a prolific writer but somewhere i had always taken pride in the fact that i was somehow in some weird way different, special from the others.. I suddenly did not feel so "special" anymore..this over-rated feeling of apparent self delusion was however concocted by none other than yours truly..it was my self defence mechanism that i had created for myself which i feel is not working anymore..the realization is indeed difficult to comprehend unless one goes through a simmilar phase..
there are days when i get up in the mornings and feel i cannot write anymore..i am running out of ideas..i do attempt to write something but end up feeling the plot that i have created is too hackneyed and cliched..sheets of paper torn out hastily from my note-book in a moment of divine inspiration lies crumpled up untidly on my bed looking v much in sync and accentuating the sense of disorder that one feels when they enter my room..i had always been a disorganized person..something that i had always tried to justify when given a chance..
i really want to say a lot but as my post says..i am just lacking the enthusiasm these days..
i want to get back to my exalted state v soon n i guess i will soon enough n then i want to believe there would be this endless stream of blog posts that i would churn out regularly and my words would be eloquent and expressions articulate and my ideas well would be different..more like SPECIAL..well so much for my optimism
i'l get back soon
