To frame or not to frame.

Another empty frame stealthily creeps in. Unmistakably black against the white light. Before I can hastily grab  and  immortalize 'that' picture or 'some picture', it fades again, unmistakably white- against a black light this time.Tired and befuddled.The scent however lingers in the wake of all this mindless commotion.it happens all over again. and again. The same process repeated down to the minutest detail. Empty frames flit in and out.
  I have stopped counting the number of failed attempts to immortalize 'my picture'. An opportunity lost is lost forever. Maybe it was never meant to be.My picture was forever flawed. i did not realize it before. Now that i know,does it change anything? Does all this empty commotion have a far greater significance that eludes my immature, impractical being.? Maybe it is time to jettison all that excess baggage which has been weighing down on my diminutive frame,for what seems like ages now.
or maybe I need to simply walk that extra mile, carrying that extra baggage till I reach that state of coherence when I can discard it all with with eloquent ease-and with one sweeping stroke of my paintbrush give the finishing touch to my picture which had always been in the process of formation. just that I with all my whining and ceaseless complaining never realized it.
I can frame 'my picture' then.
.

Reading.

I have been reading. Reading quite a lot these days.Reading anything that has text on it.
Reading jerks you back to your senses, wrests emotions that were lurking all along, stultified into oblivion in that cobwebby part of your mind. Emotions that you had no idea, existed comes tumbling forth in the wake of such impassioned, frenzied perusal and weaves itself into eloquent reasoning or at least that is what one would like to believe it is.

In this welter of mind numbing logic and oddly misplaced burst of intellectualism, it is difficult to winnow out specious reasoning, waxing eloquent under a rich fabric of sophistry.It is perfectly natural to start housing beliefs that are in reality baseless and convoluted.How does one guarantee the moral veracity of what one is reading?

Some writers are inherently dogmatic.He will rest only when his writing is singled out for Nature's greatest approbation.Till the time it happens, he is wont to polemical contentions, all adorned in artistic brilliance.He will vehemently continue endorsing his beliefs, his muscles taut under the wake of frenzied writing, till he finds the necessary acceptance.
 I realize i am catering to a very parochial idea of authorship here.

And of course there are people like me who shall hungrily lap it all up and after having whetted her appetite to the point of satiation, would instinctively discard it all for other banal things.
I have not experienced such a degree of emotional involvement with text in a long time. This is a good feeling. Such is Life.

It enrages me when one reacts with pusillanimity during the most defining moments of their life. ‘Pusillanimous’ is a word I accidentally came across today; I clarify to dispel any doubts of pretentious erudition on my part. Okay to reiterate, the point is, I find it absolutely disgusting when one reacts with a sense of resignation and acceptance to put it a bit more mildly, during really important moments. Sometimes, our lives are so inextricably linked to each other that a mere twitch in one can actually cause a spasm in another. It is okay to not get disturbed and worked up but it is not okay to sit back and laze around with a ‘happiness lies in acceptance’ smile plastered on your blooming face. I find myself seething in veritable rage when I see people really close to me endorsing this kind of an attitude. After a point, it is just disturbing. I wish i could just connect their corporeal existence to a plug point and let a steady stream of electrons flow in the wake of a vast potential difference. Maybe the sheer shock of being electrocuted would jerk these lifeless forms back to life. I find it oddly incongruous when one accepts silently what Life thrusts at us. You are supposed to  bawl, throw tantrums and then stick your tongue out and get back to your feet, chins up.okay, maybe being vociferous is not exactly the most commendable thing to do but still you just can't afford to patiently endure without having any escape route in mind.Come on , be a Man and Fight with your Life just like you would have run for your Life if your were imprisoned and just had this one chance to escape.Even if the sword pierces your heart and ruptures your aorta, you must continue to fight. Fight till their is no blood left in your body to be shed.Be brave, Be valiant.On no account can you afford to come across as a coward.
and then there are people who are outwardly calm but their is a tornado raging inside them . With quiet resilience, they enter the battle-field -they fight, they endure but they do not shout even during times of excruciating pain.They are the masters of their game. Victory is inevitable when you are the one controlling your destiny.It is oddly reassuring to find such people.Maybe it is just me but i haven't come across too many people like this.

Looking back

It is inevitable that there are going to be major hiccups when you are trying to surmount a rather foreboding cliff. It doesn't get any easier especially when you are trying to combat your own inner negativities. Detailed Introspection followed by identification is the starting point. You are merely at the base of the cliff. You take another step forward. The climb ahead is arduous, rarely a journey that one would undertake voluntarily. With every painstaking step that you take forward you undergo your own spiritual metamorphosis. Not giving it undue importance, this spiritual change is as important as physical change. One always runs the risk of stagnation when there is no urgency to regenerate your soul.
Your soul is a living embodiment. You can't afford to let it starve. It needs to be fed regularly. Hygiene should be of utmost consideration. Everything must pass through a sieve before it reaches the Soul. Only when the impurities are discarded, you can say your Soul is on the path of regeneration. It is important to identify these impurities.
2011 has been all about identifying these multifarious impurities. I started my journey from the base, discontented and disillusioned. Every minute, every second since then has been a journey. With great Evil comes greater Good. This journey has been a constant reminder to refute the erroneous, discard the transient and reveal the true. The ultimate destination is not a measurable state. It is dynamic, profound and subject to constant change. It takes one years of assiduous practice to arrive at this state but only a second to deviate. I have deviated time and again. The only thing that has made me keep at it is genuine compassion and goodness. Compassion like goodness cannot be quantified in measurable terms. Every sentient being is capable of both. What matters is whether you are able to perceive this innate goodness in everyone. Only when you smile, the world will start smiling at you. I can't really remain knotted inside and expect the world to come and untangle me. No one is really bad when you actually look at the bigger picture. Everyone has their own justifications in place which can either be valid or invalid again according to you. Things get much simpler when you realize that no one has actually entrusted us with the responsibility to declare someone as right or wrong. To prove yourself right, you do not really need to prove someone else wrong. How righteous are we anyway? Freedom of speech does appear to be a very convenient contention here.
2011 has been all about undoing the baggage of things already done in a fit of impulsiveness and moments of displaced anger. Technically, it is impossible to undo things already done and on hindsight, I am happier this is the way it is. Looking back I really do not regret anything in entirety, apart from certain things in bits and pieces. You never know how strong your much talked about bonds of friendship are until the time they are tested. I am glad that I had to go through this test. I know who my true friends are. The rest are best left as acquaintances and it is best that one does not closely mingle with acquaintances. However, one person has been constant and there is little that I can do about it. Yes, at times it is ironical and extremely painful but I am willing to go through this pain in its entirety. This has been a conscious decision and I have inflicted myself a lot of pain, hurt and suppressed tears in the process but somewhere I have never been able to undermine the importance. I have realized, it is okay to hold on to what you believe in. Why is it so easy to grow distant when someone hurts you? We don't really decide anything here; it is always our ego and our false sense of vanity doing the talking. Dialogue is perhaps the only way to bridge the distance which is almost always self-imposed but taking the initiative would mean bending down and going back on what I had said once. One can't really surrender his ego here. Can he, now? The preferable option is to bind yourself, feign indifference and wave it aside with a dismissive flick. But I have realized, it takes a lot of resilience to stand up fearlessly for what matters to you , irrespective of what people have to say about you.
2011 has also been about finding my soul-sister, coming across the right people at the right time. Friends, who won't judge you for anything in the world because they have a certain amount of faith that can't really get erased overnight. 2011 has been all about heart to heart bonding in its purest essence. I do not ever think that just through mere words, I can give these people, the credit that they actually deserve. From their spirit of never begrudging, I have learnt what it means to be truly good. From them I have learnt, no matter how much people hurt you, it is not okay to hurt them back. I have learnt, no matter how righteous you are, NOTHING can justify your actions, when you are conscious of the fact that the other person is being hurt.2011 has also been about selflessly working for other people's happiness, doing everything in my power to resolve differences so that others can be truly happy. I have come to realize that it takes a lot of courage to be selfless but in the end it gives you a liberating feeling that nothing else can really compensate.
I am still nowhere near the top of the cliff but I want to believe that 2012 would see me further in this journey of self-improvement and spiritual regeneration of the soul.

the most important person!

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.............

There is so much left unsaid.
Telling it all, would be like scraping a wound that has partly congealed. Like poking it with a needle until you scream out in anguish. I had conveniently clogged my escape vent so that I did not have to express myself anymore.
Words unceremoniously discarded me and ended it all. It pushed me from the terrace-top when I was precariously positioned on the edge. I was suspended in mid-air for a brief instant and then I was hurtling towards the swirling mass of the black bottom less sea. The last view of the bright horizon and the deluded hope of starting all over again smothered me.
I remember peering, half-hidden through the curtains. Baba reclining on the arm-chair, engrossed in a musty black hard bound book. I remember taking a tentative step forward and finally yielding to my curiousity…and then him tenderly placing me on his lap, reciting Whitman.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

I was light and weightless then. His voice filled up my senses. I would willingly drown in that voice again and again.
My romantic relationship with Words had already started unknown to me. I was small and incapable of handling such an explosive relationship. It was strenuous at first but with years and more practice, we opened up to each other and conveniently understood each other’s needs. It was a relationship out of choice and not compulsion which made all the difference. Wordlessly we forged a bond that transcended materialistic ties.
All this abruptly ended one day. No amount of persuasion or rhetoric could rekindle that same passion once again.
I retaliated even more ruthlessly. I pierced the Words brutally and shoved it down a tin cylinder. I could feel the Life ebbing and the Words disintegrating. The necessity to express shall not rise again.
Hurt, bruised and angry I retreated in my dark room forever searching for my Words.
I was wrong. I was forever trying to escape but now I don’t intend to run any longer. Happiness lies in acceptance.

I am willing to give this love affair a second chance and let my Words breathe again.

DISJOINTED

Call it queer or weird but she didn't want to talk to anyone which was so unlike her.She ruthlessly threw her cell phone with all the strength she could muster and hurled it at the blank wall in front of her. Her phone however withstood the torture and defiantly landed on the floor with a deafening sound.As if to establish it's defiance,it started vibrating seconds after it had been unceremoniously discarded.She switched off the intrusive little object and threw it right back on the floor.She did not know why she felt so agitated and disoriented all of a sudden.
She couldn't pinpoint the actual reason that had caused her to behave in such an uncharacteristic manner.This was the culmination of too many things at the same time.Her forehead was throbbing painfully.She desperately looked for an outlet to give vent to her frustrations.
She just wanted to sit down and think but she couldn't get her thoughts to cohere at a single point.Random images and disconnected memories flitted in and out of her mind.It was almost like she was looking at the inside of the kaleidoscope where the images kept changing with each turn.She was frantically searching for a reprieve from the deluge of past memories that kept coming back to her.
She was tired of every damn thing-tired of LIFE.She was tired of always having to keep up appearances-tired of being the cool-headed diplomat who wouldn't turn a hair even under the most excruciating circumstance.She had started to hate the image that people had of her in their minds.She knew her image fluctuated with the vagaries of her behaviour and different people had different opinions about her. Over the years,she had succeeded in creating contrasting multiple personalities of her own self which varied from people to people.She donned on the garb of the sympathetic listener,the cynical intellectual,the vivacious,garrulous eighteen year old and that of the confident,unassuming go-getter with equal ease.BUT for the first time,she was tired of the sense of obligation and commitment that had come to burden her like a millstone round her neck.She was tired of being misunderstood-tired of behaving in an expected manner-tired of pleasing everybody.
For the first time,she felt exposed in front of her own self and with the insouciance of an immatured,insecure child,she started screaming at the top of her voice and then spent,dissolved into convulsive sobs.
She switched on her phone.The text messages kept coming in one by one.Some expressed concern while some expressed reproach.Bo said "D,y is ur cel switchd off??i hav bin tryin 2 reach u ol day.hav u gone nuts??.plss respond".
Ana said "D,stop bhavin like a kid.do u even knw wat ur about 2 do?hav u lost it girl?i knw its difficult 4 u.pls v ol luv u.v want u 2 b happy."
Jay sed "Please pick up your phone.Do you think you can BEAR it?"
and the final text read "D, i know i hav hurt you badly.i hav been terribly mean,stupid,selfish.haven't ever tried understanding u.u hav always told me you are nothing without me but hav you ever wondered whether i am anything without you?i knw u love me a lot.please come back."
There was one thing that she could never face and that was rejection of her ego.
She remained unmoved and started deleting the text messages one by one.
She knew then that the time had come for detachment.