THE EPOCH IN MY LIFE!!!

What's this weird thing about life.....there's this phase when you are dying to get something...you know this is it..this is what you want to do with your life and then the next moment..when you have got what you thought what you wanted, you suddenly look back and realize..you have got it all messed up!!..and then even before you realize it..you are actually skating on thin ice....its like the coveted cherry on the top of your ice-cream that tastes pathetically "sour"...i know i sound like one of those cliched 'difficult to please' types..who spend most of their times groaning bout the dismal treatment meted out to them by "Life"..especially when "Life" has been particularly fair and just to me....but somewhere i can't really help it. The truth about "LIfe" is that..He is the Big Boss and you have to accept that sooner or later....He always does have the upper hand..I hate it ..when someone tells me "its all destiny, dear..you can't go against god's wishes"..there's this vain, supercilious voice at the back of my mind desperatly urging me to blurt out then "You mind your own business while I mind mine...i choose my destiny..i don't let it choose mine!!"..in most cases, religiously living up to the bestowed tag of being arrogant and too straightforward for my own good, i have voiced my opinions vociferously which naturally never went down too well with my so called "well-wishers"....but the distorted truth about life is that some things are really predestined and its best you accept that...More than an after-thought, i write this post in a state og agitation and frustration....agitated; because i had not reflected once about what i was letting myself into, swayed by a insane, passionate frenzy...and frustrated..because..i do not see a way out of this quagmire..
I had always wanted to study eng hons..as i always nurtured a passionate, romantic frenzy of the concept of studying eng hons....its the place where you get to show your creative prowess..weave magic with your words...open up new untramelled vistas of all the highly energetic and inspiring political theories, romantic novels..it was the place where you get to read all those gripping, scintillating novels that you never got to read in school as your so called 'text-books'...spend hours in the land of literature romancing your favourite authors..it was the place where you had the choice to choose your own books..[after having spent two agonizing yearsin the materialistic world of science..i was lookin for a respite from the 'logical' tirade]...in a way you could say...studying english was to me akin to taking a trip in the land you love....you have always wanted to embrace, ever since the time you got hooked to the world of enid blyton..the world of pixies, elves, fairies,,boarding-school..and ah yess..the frenzied world of magic!!!..Magic Realism!!!, i prefer to call it now....the land where surrealism replaces your unromantic. materialistic Reality...so maybe i guess i was destined to be disappointed. I was in seventh heaven [read:super excited} when i suddenly found out i could call myself a JUDEan...trust me..[please do trust me on this one]..i have always wanted to be a JUDEan..have dreamt, fantasized about the concept so much that even before the results had actually come out..i would actually behave as if i was already there...so it was with mixed feelings i recieved the news..i was undoubtely elated [read: i spent the entire night awake pacing in my room, dreaming about all the new unexplored horizons that was going to open up]...in a way, gettin JU..marked a new epoch in my life..a bend in the journey of my life that alone had the immense fortitude to change my life forever....i quote one of my seniors saying this to me "You can either make or break your life at JU..the choice is ultimately yors!"...i felt myself weighed down by the immense debt of gratitude that i felt for God for blessing me with this opportunity at the most crucial juncture of my life..
So it was with a lot of pre-conceived opinions about it being highly acclaimed and offering the best courses in Calcutta, i went to class..having astronomical expectations from my three year stint at JU....and also i have heard oh so much about the so called "congenial" ambience...the secret in order to be happy is to stop expecting anything from life..there you go...am truly a genius when it comes to preaching and not practising all the advices that i so munificently hand out..
but somehow JU did not appeal to me....in a matter of few seconds [read:hours]..the image that i had created in my mind was smashed...somehow to me everyone seems to be disinterested, disinclined, unfriendly.....the floodgates opened up in my heart..and every moment that i seem to spend there reminds me of my days spent at SLS, the fun,the frolic, the camaraderie,the fights...the mimicry,the link-ups...as opposed to the silent. indifferent, cynical temparament that has come to describe "ME" today...the most frightening thing was that when i suddenly looked at myself today in the mirror..i was shocked to see a v disinterested person staring back at me..the look of vitality and the gregarious nature that had always been a part of myself was distinctly missing..i really do not remember the last time when i had laughed heartily over some joke which one of my many idiotic feriends used to crack ritually..i would do anything to getback to my 'idiotic' friends now...more than the apparent idiocy that describes them..its their simplicity which made all of us bond so strongly..its this simplicity which is definitely missing at JU and again its this simplicity which i am looking for here....ah so much for all the fantasies and dreams!!!...yess i can see that cruel, self-satisfied satanic smile on the Devils countenance that seem to spell out the infamous adage "do not count your chickens before they are hatched"....
But as i said..coming to JU does mark a v vital epoch in my life..something within me tells me ..my life is about to change forever!!..it might be for the better or for the worse..i do not know why but i think..the propensity is more on the latter..yet i am hoping that just lyk a zephyr amidst my disillusionment..JU would come to symbolize my haven just as it did 5 yrs back when i joined SLS..with uncertainity to bank upon then....i am hoping for the best and yess i do not hav any choice today other than to succumb into the hands of Destiny...
Amrita..[in a pathetic attempt to rediscover myself yet again]