There is so much left unsaid.
Telling it all, would be like scraping a wound that has partly congealed. Like poking it with a needle until you scream out in anguish. I had conveniently clogged my escape vent so that I did not have to express myself anymore.
Words unceremoniously discarded me and ended it all. It pushed me from the terrace-top when I was precariously positioned on the edge. I was suspended in mid-air for a brief instant and then I was hurtling towards the swirling mass of the black bottom less sea. The last view of the bright horizon and the deluded hope of starting all over again smothered me.
I remember peering, half-hidden through the curtains. Baba reclining on the arm-chair, engrossed in a musty black hard bound book. I remember taking a tentative step forward and finally yielding to my curiousity…and then him tenderly placing me on his lap, reciting Whitman.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
I was light and weightless then. His voice filled up my senses. I would willingly drown in that voice again and again.
My romantic relationship with Words had already started unknown to me. I was small and incapable of handling such an explosive relationship. It was strenuous at first but with years and more practice, we opened up to each other and conveniently understood each other’s needs. It was a relationship out of choice and not compulsion which made all the difference. Wordlessly we forged a bond that transcended materialistic ties.
All this abruptly ended one day. No amount of persuasion or rhetoric could rekindle that same passion once again.
I retaliated even more ruthlessly. I pierced the Words brutally and shoved it down a tin cylinder. I could feel the Life ebbing and the Words disintegrating. The necessity to express shall not rise again.
Hurt, bruised and angry I retreated in my dark room forever searching for my Words.
I was wrong. I was forever trying to escape but now I don’t intend to run any longer. Happiness lies in acceptance.
I am willing to give this love affair a second chance and let my Words breathe again.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, June 24, 2010
DISJOINTED
Call it queer or weird but she didn't want to talk to anyone which was so unlike her.She ruthlessly threw her cell phone with all the strength she could muster and hurled it at the blank wall in front of her. Her phone however withstood the torture and defiantly landed on the floor with a deafening sound.As if to establish it's defiance,it started vibrating seconds after it had been unceremoniously discarded.She switched off the intrusive little object and threw it right back on the floor.She did not know why she felt so agitated and disoriented all of a sudden.
She couldn't pinpoint the actual reason that had caused her to behave in such an uncharacteristic manner.This was the culmination of too many things at the same time.Her forehead was throbbing painfully.She desperately looked for an outlet to give vent to her frustrations.
She just wanted to sit down and think but she couldn't get her thoughts to cohere at a single point.Random images and disconnected memories flitted in and out of her mind.It was almost like she was looking at the inside of the kaleidoscope where the images kept changing with each turn.She was frantically searching for a reprieve from the deluge of past memories that kept coming back to her.
She was tired of every damn thing-tired of LIFE.She was tired of always having to keep up appearances-tired of being the cool-headed diplomat who wouldn't turn a hair even under the most excruciating circumstance.She had started to hate the image that people had of her in their minds.She knew her image fluctuated with the vagaries of her behaviour and different people had different opinions about her. Over the years,she had succeeded in creating contrasting multiple personalities of her own self which varied from people to people.She donned on the garb of the sympathetic listener,the cynical intellectual,the vivacious,garrulous eighteen year old and that of the confident,unassuming go-getter with equal ease.BUT for the first time,she was tired of the sense of obligation and commitment that had come to burden her like a millstone round her neck.She was tired of being misunderstood-tired of behaving in an expected manner-tired of pleasing everybody.
For the first time,she felt exposed in front of her own self and with the insouciance of an immatured,insecure child,she started screaming at the top of her voice and then spent,dissolved into convulsive sobs.
She switched on her phone.The text messages kept coming in one by one.Some expressed concern while some expressed reproach.Bo said "D,y is ur cel switchd off??i hav bin tryin 2 reach u ol day.hav u gone nuts??.plss respond".
Ana said "D,stop bhavin like a kid.do u even knw wat ur about 2 do?hav u lost it girl?i knw its difficult 4 u.pls v ol luv u.v want u 2 b happy."
Jay sed "Please pick up your phone.Do you think you can BEAR it?"
and the final text read "D, i know i hav hurt you badly.i hav been terribly mean,stupid,selfish.haven't ever tried understanding u.u hav always told me you are nothing without me but hav you ever wondered whether i am anything without you?i knw u love me a lot.please come back."
There was one thing that she could never face and that was rejection of her ego.
She remained unmoved and started deleting the text messages one by one.
She knew then that the time had come for detachment.
She couldn't pinpoint the actual reason that had caused her to behave in such an uncharacteristic manner.This was the culmination of too many things at the same time.Her forehead was throbbing painfully.She desperately looked for an outlet to give vent to her frustrations.
She just wanted to sit down and think but she couldn't get her thoughts to cohere at a single point.Random images and disconnected memories flitted in and out of her mind.It was almost like she was looking at the inside of the kaleidoscope where the images kept changing with each turn.She was frantically searching for a reprieve from the deluge of past memories that kept coming back to her.
She was tired of every damn thing-tired of LIFE.She was tired of always having to keep up appearances-tired of being the cool-headed diplomat who wouldn't turn a hair even under the most excruciating circumstance.She had started to hate the image that people had of her in their minds.She knew her image fluctuated with the vagaries of her behaviour and different people had different opinions about her. Over the years,she had succeeded in creating contrasting multiple personalities of her own self which varied from people to people.She donned on the garb of the sympathetic listener,the cynical intellectual,the vivacious,garrulous eighteen year old and that of the confident,unassuming go-getter with equal ease.BUT for the first time,she was tired of the sense of obligation and commitment that had come to burden her like a millstone round her neck.She was tired of being misunderstood-tired of behaving in an expected manner-tired of pleasing everybody.
For the first time,she felt exposed in front of her own self and with the insouciance of an immatured,insecure child,she started screaming at the top of her voice and then spent,dissolved into convulsive sobs.
She switched on her phone.The text messages kept coming in one by one.Some expressed concern while some expressed reproach.Bo said "D,y is ur cel switchd off??i hav bin tryin 2 reach u ol day.hav u gone nuts??.plss respond".
Ana said "D,stop bhavin like a kid.do u even knw wat ur about 2 do?hav u lost it girl?i knw its difficult 4 u.pls v ol luv u.v want u 2 b happy."
Jay sed "Please pick up your phone.Do you think you can BEAR it?"
and the final text read "D, i know i hav hurt you badly.i hav been terribly mean,stupid,selfish.haven't ever tried understanding u.u hav always told me you are nothing without me but hav you ever wondered whether i am anything without you?i knw u love me a lot.please come back."
There was one thing that she could never face and that was rejection of her ego.
She remained unmoved and started deleting the text messages one by one.
She knew then that the time had come for detachment.
Friday, March 5, 2010
when you have a lot to say but lack the enthusiasm...
i seriously need to get back to writing..i know i sound apologetic but a very terrifying thought has been tormenting me for quite some days now which hasn't done much to my already disintegrating self-confidence.
There are those days when i am considerably high for no apparent reason whatsoever..i feel i am almost at the zenith of this universe..the lone man standing u know with that super exuberant "bring it on" gleeful smile.. i feel almost invincible n yess surprisingly powerful..a weird kind of a beautiful sensation when you know You are the Boss and somewhere you are at a position where you can command..nothing can go wrong with you at that particular moment..and without appearing to be condescending,you want the entire world to know that you are somewhat Superior..but next instant before you realize you have hit rock bottom and you come tumbling down from your exalted state of ecstacy..and things have to go wrong then almost purposefully i feel then,which accentuates your sense of delusion..
lately..i have been going through this phase when i repeatedly keep feeling "i am losing my touch"..needless to say it is indeed a v frightening thought..there is this gnawing feeling at the back of my mind that somewhere i am losing my creativity..the power of expression..i had never been an eloquent speaker or a prolific writer but somewhere i had always taken pride in the fact that i was somehow in some weird way different, special from the others.. I suddenly did not feel so "special" anymore..this over-rated feeling of apparent self delusion was however concocted by none other than yours truly..it was my self defence mechanism that i had created for myself which i feel is not working anymore..the realization is indeed difficult to comprehend unless one goes through a simmilar phase..
there are days when i get up in the mornings and feel i cannot write anymore..i am running out of ideas..i do attempt to write something but end up feeling the plot that i have created is too hackneyed and cliched..sheets of paper torn out hastily from my note-book in a moment of divine inspiration lies crumpled up untidly on my bed looking v much in sync and accentuating the sense of disorder that one feels when they enter my room..i had always been a disorganized person..something that i had always tried to justify when given a chance..
i really want to say a lot but as my post says..i am just lacking the enthusiasm these days..
i want to get back to my exalted state v soon n i guess i will soon enough n then i want to believe there would be this endless stream of blog posts that i would churn out regularly and my words would be eloquent and expressions articulate and my ideas well would be different..more like SPECIAL..well so much for my optimism
i'l get back soon
There are those days when i am considerably high for no apparent reason whatsoever..i feel i am almost at the zenith of this universe..the lone man standing u know with that super exuberant "bring it on" gleeful smile.. i feel almost invincible n yess surprisingly powerful..a weird kind of a beautiful sensation when you know You are the Boss and somewhere you are at a position where you can command..nothing can go wrong with you at that particular moment..and without appearing to be condescending,you want the entire world to know that you are somewhat Superior..but next instant before you realize you have hit rock bottom and you come tumbling down from your exalted state of ecstacy..and things have to go wrong then almost purposefully i feel then,which accentuates your sense of delusion..
lately..i have been going through this phase when i repeatedly keep feeling "i am losing my touch"..needless to say it is indeed a v frightening thought..there is this gnawing feeling at the back of my mind that somewhere i am losing my creativity..the power of expression..i had never been an eloquent speaker or a prolific writer but somewhere i had always taken pride in the fact that i was somehow in some weird way different, special from the others.. I suddenly did not feel so "special" anymore..this over-rated feeling of apparent self delusion was however concocted by none other than yours truly..it was my self defence mechanism that i had created for myself which i feel is not working anymore..the realization is indeed difficult to comprehend unless one goes through a simmilar phase..
there are days when i get up in the mornings and feel i cannot write anymore..i am running out of ideas..i do attempt to write something but end up feeling the plot that i have created is too hackneyed and cliched..sheets of paper torn out hastily from my note-book in a moment of divine inspiration lies crumpled up untidly on my bed looking v much in sync and accentuating the sense of disorder that one feels when they enter my room..i had always been a disorganized person..something that i had always tried to justify when given a chance..
i really want to say a lot but as my post says..i am just lacking the enthusiasm these days..
i want to get back to my exalted state v soon n i guess i will soon enough n then i want to believe there would be this endless stream of blog posts that i would churn out regularly and my words would be eloquent and expressions articulate and my ideas well would be different..more like SPECIAL..well so much for my optimism
i'l get back soon
Monday, January 18, 2010
ANGUISH!!!
the feeling of anguish mingled with the powerful all-consuming sense of regret is indeed terrible.now this feeling of anguish n regret, is something that creeps in when you least expect it and the uncanny suddenness of this feeling leaves you dazed and momentarily bewildered.
i believe this feeling comes to you like an uninvited guest and generally overstays its visit but therez precious little you could do bout it..but then you know that this is the signal for you to make amends even though there is this small voice at the back of your head reminding you that NOTHING PROBABLY WOULD BE THE SAME AGAIN...
all you are left with,is your bemused gaze desperately trying to grasp..what actually went wrong??.
few more days pass and you look into the mirror to find dishevelled hair,haggard appearance and a solitary tear trickling down your cheeks...you want to cry out aloud but the clammy hands of ANGUISH and REGRET vehemently seems to grasp your neck in an attempt to strangulate you..all you are left with is sadly the overwhelming sense of helplessness..
but then again with the same kind of suddenness...like a bolt out of the blue..you realize the depths of your stupidity and you try to move on with a strength and vigour that is baffling and at the same time commendable..
n then the SUN-SHINE is back again..
i believe this feeling comes to you like an uninvited guest and generally overstays its visit but therez precious little you could do bout it..but then you know that this is the signal for you to make amends even though there is this small voice at the back of your head reminding you that NOTHING PROBABLY WOULD BE THE SAME AGAIN...
all you are left with,is your bemused gaze desperately trying to grasp..what actually went wrong??.
few more days pass and you look into the mirror to find dishevelled hair,haggard appearance and a solitary tear trickling down your cheeks...you want to cry out aloud but the clammy hands of ANGUISH and REGRET vehemently seems to grasp your neck in an attempt to strangulate you..all you are left with is sadly the overwhelming sense of helplessness..
but then again with the same kind of suddenness...like a bolt out of the blue..you realize the depths of your stupidity and you try to move on with a strength and vigour that is baffling and at the same time commendable..
n then the SUN-SHINE is back again..
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I do not know what to name this...
I hate starting my every post with "i know it has been ages since i last posted..." but then again *in a reflective voice*....it's been actually really ages since i last posted .. *sighs* n i really do not have any apt exscuse for it save lethargy and an abysmal state of mind gyrating between intense frenzy and optimism [even when u know, u are not even aware of half the things existing in your syllabus...forget even preparing for them]to severe pessimism and frustration heightened by an uncontrollable bitter tongue that lets itself loose on any unsuspecting victim remorselessly...yess, i ritually go through these loser-like "i do not know what i want" phases and end up bickering,fighting,shouting,cursing at all those people who sadly do care for me and stoically puts up with my indifference and idiocy and still puts in an effort to make me smile..
guys, i know i have lost count of how much i really owe you all especially to rituparna who has borne the brunt of my relentless tirades for the past seven years now...but it would really do me a world of good to have some sense knocked into me especially when i am on this loser-like mode..
i have one of these shocking pink wannabe t-shirts which is so in-your-face and screams out aloud "yes, i am spoilt..so what's your point??"...okk i just confessed i am a loser..this was just to further accentuate my loser quotient[ from henceforth i'll reffer to it simply as LQ]
one of my friends who incidentally is my blogging inspiration cuz he first introduced me on blogsphere says that "blogging is like this tonic" which refreshes your mind and basically reminds you of a better way to kill time rather than scaling new heights of joblessness every passing day..
come to think of it, i owe a lot to abhishek. with 2009 drawing to a close, there has been so many unexpected yet significant series of incidents in my life.
it's been almost a year now since i got to know a certain Abhishek Pal who happened to be this arrogant, over-confident, overtly presumtuous Mr Know it all who happened to believe he is god's gift to mankind..n to make matters worse he happened to be riju's best buddy and ritz's best friend n all my close friends absolutely adored him.His definition of himself went something like "I AM A MALFUNCTIONING,OBTUSE,ATHEISTIC,IRRITATING,EXTROVERT, SARCASTIC, PSYCHOTIC,IMPISH,MEGALOMANIAC ,MASQUERADING YET A HARMLESS CREATURE" especially after this, i am sure you cannot blame me for labelling him as arrogant and too big for his boots..Now i really want to believe, i am this perspicacious girl who is blessed with this gift of reading people's minds..in fact i am also a little arrogant and egoistical in my own sweet way i suppose..
so abhishek n me, our journey started on a v bad note...the beginning was anything but grand with me pointing out in a cloyingly sweet voice that could be well mistaken as the voice of superiority that "advice" is a noun and "advise" is a verb..hehehehehe..
amazing how certain incidents that reached explosive heights of idiocy at some point of time manages to bring a smile onto your face when you think bout it later..yess i do smile when i think bout dat incident now
what followed that debacle was even more surprising for me. My friends actually went out of their way to convince me how great Mr Pal supposedly was.He was this apparently "caring, understanding" person who juggled both academics and extra curricular activities with aplomb and grace that was enviable.riju convinced me to read his blog...and at that point of time, i was blissfully unaware of what a "blog" was.
However, some things i guess are pre-destined and great minds are meant to interact..lolzz..The IMPOSSIBLE happened, both of us mutually decided to resolve our childish differences and whatever grudges we had against each other and become "friends"..and yess with help from abhishek, i created my own account on blogger and wrote my first ever post..i returned the favour, by reading his every post on his blog and i admit i was speechless and absolutely floored by his writing. Being in JUDE now, i surely have come across a lot of good writers now but i still retain,he is one of the finest writers i have ever come across. I was dumbstruck by the sheer brilliance and intricacy of his writings and amazed at the plethora of talent that unfolded before my eyes as i read each of his posts.i admired the way he effortlessly balanced both the vernaculars and english language.
We went on to become firm friends with him being a pillar of strength and support during the most indecisive phase of my life when every day found me closer onto the path of disillusionment and derangement.He was like this "beacon of hope" amidst the darkness.i remember all the lengthy text messages,the conversations and those words of wisdom.i had some idea then why all my friends actually adored him so much.This guy could do anything for his friends.
Today, i still find him irritating at times especially when he starts puling my leg, i still keep correcting his english....sometimes even when he is right, i have to prove him wrong with my air of superiority intact... but he scores every time over me, i humbly confess..but today, i would say i am truly lucky to have a friend who is not only supremely talented but a very good human being..
it was nice meeting abhishek,sam,sakallya n maddie this 25th...we had one of our trademark uninterrupted crap talking sessions that was indeed reinvigorating and revitalizing....i remember, my childish enthusiasm and eagerness when i started describing our apparently exciting syllabus for the next semester and abhishek's rapt attention...he is one of those few people outside JUDE with whom i can talk bout my syllabus and not run the risk of getting bored cuz it's books and literature which has always been our binding factor..Somewhere today amidst all that superficial arrogance,today i know who my friend truly is and i have got this immense respect and admiration for him..
I have lost so many things this year,i guess, i myself, have lost count of what i have truly lost but amidst all the darkness and the uncertainty i have gained certain friends and looking back, now i know, i could never have wished for anything more..
i really do not know why i actually wrote this today..guess i suddenly remembered the "advice" and "advise" incident and could not help not smiling and remembering my one-time enemy and now friend..lolzz..and i also remembered what made me start blogging in the first place..
i'll get back to blogging again regularly v soon..
i will...
guys, i know i have lost count of how much i really owe you all especially to rituparna who has borne the brunt of my relentless tirades for the past seven years now...but it would really do me a world of good to have some sense knocked into me especially when i am on this loser-like mode..
i have one of these shocking pink wannabe t-shirts which is so in-your-face and screams out aloud "yes, i am spoilt..so what's your point??"...okk i just confessed i am a loser..this was just to further accentuate my loser quotient[ from henceforth i'll reffer to it simply as LQ]
one of my friends who incidentally is my blogging inspiration cuz he first introduced me on blogsphere says that "blogging is like this tonic" which refreshes your mind and basically reminds you of a better way to kill time rather than scaling new heights of joblessness every passing day..
come to think of it, i owe a lot to abhishek. with 2009 drawing to a close, there has been so many unexpected yet significant series of incidents in my life.
it's been almost a year now since i got to know a certain Abhishek Pal who happened to be this arrogant, over-confident, overtly presumtuous Mr Know it all who happened to believe he is god's gift to mankind..n to make matters worse he happened to be riju's best buddy and ritz's best friend n all my close friends absolutely adored him.His definition of himself went something like "I AM A MALFUNCTIONING,OBTUSE,ATHEISTIC,IRRITATING,EXTROVERT, SARCASTIC, PSYCHOTIC,IMPISH,MEGALOMANIAC ,MASQUERADING YET A HARMLESS CREATURE" especially after this, i am sure you cannot blame me for labelling him as arrogant and too big for his boots..Now i really want to believe, i am this perspicacious girl who is blessed with this gift of reading people's minds..in fact i am also a little arrogant and egoistical in my own sweet way i suppose..
so abhishek n me, our journey started on a v bad note...the beginning was anything but grand with me pointing out in a cloyingly sweet voice that could be well mistaken as the voice of superiority that "advice" is a noun and "advise" is a verb..hehehehehe..
amazing how certain incidents that reached explosive heights of idiocy at some point of time manages to bring a smile onto your face when you think bout it later..yess i do smile when i think bout dat incident now
what followed that debacle was even more surprising for me. My friends actually went out of their way to convince me how great Mr Pal supposedly was.He was this apparently "caring, understanding" person who juggled both academics and extra curricular activities with aplomb and grace that was enviable.riju convinced me to read his blog...and at that point of time, i was blissfully unaware of what a "blog" was.
However, some things i guess are pre-destined and great minds are meant to interact..lolzz..The IMPOSSIBLE happened, both of us mutually decided to resolve our childish differences and whatever grudges we had against each other and become "friends"..and yess with help from abhishek, i created my own account on blogger and wrote my first ever post..i returned the favour, by reading his every post on his blog and i admit i was speechless and absolutely floored by his writing. Being in JUDE now, i surely have come across a lot of good writers now but i still retain,he is one of the finest writers i have ever come across. I was dumbstruck by the sheer brilliance and intricacy of his writings and amazed at the plethora of talent that unfolded before my eyes as i read each of his posts.i admired the way he effortlessly balanced both the vernaculars and english language.
We went on to become firm friends with him being a pillar of strength and support during the most indecisive phase of my life when every day found me closer onto the path of disillusionment and derangement.He was like this "beacon of hope" amidst the darkness.i remember all the lengthy text messages,the conversations and those words of wisdom.i had some idea then why all my friends actually adored him so much.This guy could do anything for his friends.
Today, i still find him irritating at times especially when he starts puling my leg, i still keep correcting his english....sometimes even when he is right, i have to prove him wrong with my air of superiority intact... but he scores every time over me, i humbly confess..but today, i would say i am truly lucky to have a friend who is not only supremely talented but a very good human being..
it was nice meeting abhishek,sam,sakallya n maddie this 25th...we had one of our trademark uninterrupted crap talking sessions that was indeed reinvigorating and revitalizing....i remember, my childish enthusiasm and eagerness when i started describing our apparently exciting syllabus for the next semester and abhishek's rapt attention...he is one of those few people outside JUDE with whom i can talk bout my syllabus and not run the risk of getting bored cuz it's books and literature which has always been our binding factor..Somewhere today amidst all that superficial arrogance,today i know who my friend truly is and i have got this immense respect and admiration for him..
I have lost so many things this year,i guess, i myself, have lost count of what i have truly lost but amidst all the darkness and the uncertainty i have gained certain friends and looking back, now i know, i could never have wished for anything more..
i really do not know why i actually wrote this today..guess i suddenly remembered the "advice" and "advise" incident and could not help not smiling and remembering my one-time enemy and now friend..lolzz..and i also remembered what made me start blogging in the first place..
i'll get back to blogging again regularly v soon..
i will...
Monday, November 2, 2009
THE WALL!!
i know its been a hell lot of time since i last posted in my v much dysfunctional blog..but i assure u ..my absence from the bloggin circuit was purely out of a sense of innate lethargy and boredom...i clarify it was anything but circumstantial..
I have gone through a vast plethora of emotions the past few weeks. Some of these emotions have been momentary and their fleeting presence in my life have left me feeling dazed...thankfully..*sighs*...i have struggled yet again to regain conscious and have vehemently tried to protect the balance that i had consciously created in my life...This time,I decided.. i wouldn't let THEM win..yet what Victory..what fight am i talking about??...over the past few months..i had deliberatly n consciously created a protective wall around myself...a wall which is strong n impenetrable and the perfect facade to the overtly sensitive..scared..insecure individual lurking beneath...This WALL was everything that I was NOT and EVERYTHING that i wanted to be..I wanted to believe my WALL was strong,impassive intransigent,independent as opposed to the delicate,fragile confused soul within..it gave me the power..the succour to fathom the beauty n uncertainity of life..it gave me the strength to fight..to survive and to WIN...
But this WALL is sadly disintegrating today....
THis WALL will cease to exist ..the day all the people who helped to create this WALL ceases to exist in my life..
the pain of separation is something which i have learnt to live with now..out of necessity n sheer compulsion than out of desire..yet at times..much to my utmost annoyance n frustration..this pain re emerges like some sort of a decapitated..dismembered spirit from the Past and leaves me feeling tainted..mutilated...and yet again Insecure..
these r the moments..when i silently cower behind my WALL..behind its strong..reassuring..inscruatable presence..
these r the moments when i want to believe i am beautiful n the luckiest girl on this planet..
these r the moments..when i escape in my own world that i have again created for myself..
these r the moments when i count all the people who matter to me in my life n try n obliterate the scars of all the unpleasant memories in my life..
these r the moments when i want to LIVE..when i actually want to fight back with a new surge of optimism..
These r the moments..when i try to fall in love with myself all over again!!
All these moments brings me closer to myself...
this is just one of those days when i am at the end of my tether..when nothin works out n leaves me musing at the futility of all the mundane aspects of life..this is just one of those days when i sit down n THINK..
i am sure this phase will soon pass..n the cheerful..exuberant, optimistic girl u all know will be back..
P.S
I have been lately counting all the people who matter the most to me these days...
n i admit..i feel truly BLESSED to have u all in my life..i love u all..u guys r shit important to me..
Amrita...[its d narcissistic me speaking..yet again}
I have gone through a vast plethora of emotions the past few weeks. Some of these emotions have been momentary and their fleeting presence in my life have left me feeling dazed...thankfully..*sighs*...i have struggled yet again to regain conscious and have vehemently tried to protect the balance that i had consciously created in my life...This time,I decided.. i wouldn't let THEM win..yet what Victory..what fight am i talking about??...over the past few months..i had deliberatly n consciously created a protective wall around myself...a wall which is strong n impenetrable and the perfect facade to the overtly sensitive..scared..insecure individual lurking beneath...This WALL was everything that I was NOT and EVERYTHING that i wanted to be..I wanted to believe my WALL was strong,impassive intransigent,independent as opposed to the delicate,fragile confused soul within..it gave me the power..the succour to fathom the beauty n uncertainity of life..it gave me the strength to fight..to survive and to WIN...
But this WALL is sadly disintegrating today....
THis WALL will cease to exist ..the day all the people who helped to create this WALL ceases to exist in my life..
the pain of separation is something which i have learnt to live with now..out of necessity n sheer compulsion than out of desire..yet at times..much to my utmost annoyance n frustration..this pain re emerges like some sort of a decapitated..dismembered spirit from the Past and leaves me feeling tainted..mutilated...and yet again Insecure..
these r the moments..when i silently cower behind my WALL..behind its strong..reassuring..inscruatable presence..
these r the moments when i want to believe i am beautiful n the luckiest girl on this planet..
these r the moments..when i escape in my own world that i have again created for myself..
these r the moments when i count all the people who matter to me in my life n try n obliterate the scars of all the unpleasant memories in my life..
these r the moments when i want to LIVE..when i actually want to fight back with a new surge of optimism..
These r the moments..when i try to fall in love with myself all over again!!
All these moments brings me closer to myself...
this is just one of those days when i am at the end of my tether..when nothin works out n leaves me musing at the futility of all the mundane aspects of life..this is just one of those days when i sit down n THINK..
i am sure this phase will soon pass..n the cheerful..exuberant, optimistic girl u all know will be back..
P.S
I have been lately counting all the people who matter the most to me these days...
n i admit..i feel truly BLESSED to have u all in my life..i love u all..u guys r shit important to me..
Amrita...[its d narcissistic me speaking..yet again}
Thursday, October 1, 2009
of vermillion...dhaak n finally d end of it all..
okk durga puja is over..*takes a deep breadth*..
the frenzy..the excitement..the meeting up with old friends....first meetings in some cases..the smell of the new clothes..the parade in front of the mirror for the umpteenth time much to the exasperation of the other inmates of the house to see wether you are looking your best...dabbing generous amounts of kohl under your eyes and the touch of gloss to get that perfect bohemian chic look before you finally step out in style....the pulsating rythm of the dhaak which leaves you yearning for more...trying out the 'twist' n 'masakali' steps oblivious of the hundreds of people watchin you...gyrating to the frenzied beats of the dhaak with the dhunuchi balanced precariously on top of your head....awestruck by the sheer brilliance of the lights....glitter....fluffy white balloons up in the air..children laughing..mothers holding their hands tightly so that they do not lose their way in the frenzied milieu...the vast multitude of people everywhere dressed up in their new attire..contented..happy..you actually start wondering..how you have lived in calcutta ever since the time you chose to exist and had actually never realized that it comprised so many people??....you look around and you can sense the excitement..it is palpable..you identify with the smiling faces..the sense of absolute freedom and independence...the joy of finally going out alone with friends...the initial surge of emotion when you finally see someone you had been dying to meet after ages..the hugs..the hand shakes or sometimes just a smile is enough to tell them that they had been missed...the incessant late night adda sessions,,pandal hopping...going back home dead tired at four in the morning...and then lapsing into that enviable state of blissful somnolence....getting up late in the mornings just in time for 'pushpanjali'....and then its yet another day of festivity...of having junk food from the cheap road-side stalls....not really caring bout the amount of calories you are taking in..yet another adda session with your para cum school cum college friends...of mushy love stories and love at first sight romances; durga puja is an expression of freedom and happiness...everyone is equal on the five days that mother is here..we are all her children....no one is rich and no one is poor when Ma is here....
this puja was however a revelation of sorts....i discovered new 'kindred spirits' in my life yet again and for the first time i was supremely happy...i always had these childhood fantasies that 'kindred spirits' would come into my life during my times of distress [would drop down from heaven to be more precise]..and would have a halo round their heads so that i could easily identify them...but in reality such things really do not happen..they come into your life when you are least expecting them and then they leave an indelible impression behind...sometimes you meet them under the most unexpected circumstances....sometimes it's just a hilarious episode that makes you bond with them or just one fated bus journey or simply a 'fight'....but they end up becoming an indispensable part in your life..the bottom-line is.. kINDRED SPIRITS DO EXIST!!...
i woke up on doshomi morning to realize that everything was about to end.. and it was with a queer feeling of sadness mixed with this sense of deja vu that i trudged sombrely upto my para pandal to have my last discourse with MA before she left for her pleasure-dome....but i was awaited by a different spectacle all together....i saw women resplendently clad in red bordered white saris engaged in "sindur khela"...for the first time maybe i saw vermillion in this different light but there was no mistakening the glow on their faces as the newly married women smeared vermillion onto each other.....its amazing how beautiful the quintessential true indian beauty truly is just like Ma..who is austere..pristine yet impassive..intransigent...the vermillion signified something more than just them being married..it was the epitome of bonding for all these women who embraced each other and smeared 'sindur' on each other's fore-head united by the common thread of bondage that at times segregrate a woman from a girl...a mother from a daughter..
it was a beautiful sight..something which is ineffable and cannot really be comprehended by a mere eighteen year old girl with abysmal maturity and understanding..
i am still trying to understand the "quintessential indian beauty"
this post today is more for all the kindred spirits in my life than for anyone else....
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