Random

These days Sleep kicks in, clawing it’s way through like an unannounced, unwanted guest tracing intrusive patterns in my sedentary life. It is extremely disheartening the way I end up feeling drowsy and lethargic at unexpected times of the day. I always knew I had erratic sleeping patterns but this is something I had never accounted for in my 21 years. Ma says, it is perfectly natural and nothing surprising, considering the fact I am directionless, unfocussed and forever befuddled. Not to forget unorganized. But then again Ma has been associating such adjectives with pretty much everything about my life for as long as I can remember. I daresay, even at fifty I shall remain all the above in her eyes. Come to think of it, going by the kind of discursive life I am leading right now, such a contention seems hardly out of place.

So be it. At fifty, I would be old, with sagging skin and wrinkles crisscrossing my forehead, dozing off when the world was pottering about, trying to prove it’s worth.
okay, it is such a pain to type out directionless, rambling sentences. Everything is redundant and every damn thing so useless.i have been at the key-board for the last five minutes, lazily fiddling with random keys, trying to string together formless, shapeless, disconnected thoughts.i notice tiny specks of dust have settled in the edges, lending my old, battered key-board a degree of familiarity that nothing in the world can replace. These days, i am scrounging around, desperately clinging onto whatever remnants of familiarity i can scavenge from all the disorderliness. everything changes too fast. It is such a pain to hold on when everything is being devoured up in a swirling whirlpool of Change.
Constancy, be thy name is Woman.
i think i shall go sleep now.

Sit still.

I don't know why today I can't sit still at one place even for a moment. Even this, I am not being able to type in peace.  I feel oddly incapable of gathering my thoughts.  I haven't experienced such a degree of derangement in a long time. I do not know if this is a good sign.

Duuh, obviously that is because you are getting saner with each passing second. relax!

It is like, I close my eyes, real tight and I see this hazy, kind of sparkly fluorescent neon lights glaring back at me, grinning toothlessly in an alternating rhythm- a little bright, brighter, dim, dimmer and then Explode. I am drowning. I feel this undulating rhythm taking over me-sometimes a rage and then a warm, fuzzy afterglow the next instant and then again leaving a bitter acrid taste. It is not humanly possible to make sense of what I am feeling right now. I am greatly perplexed myself. I open my eyes and there are these dull splotches of colour staring right back impishly. It is all within me. The sound is deafening. I close my palms, clench my fist and feel my heart leap. Some tiresome being is weeping incessantly alternating between vociferous bawls and muted spasmodic pangs. It is all disturbing. Must there be a pattern here also? I am tired of patterns. I find myself whispering please in order to placate my trembling heart. I need to retreat. And then I am cowering under the altar, pleading redemption.

        

       'We were talking-about the space between us all

And the people-who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion

Never glimpse the truth-then it's far too late-when they pass away.

          Try to realize it's all within yourself

No-one else can make you change

And to see you're really only very small,

And life flows ON within you and without you.   '

Okay, relax now. Everything is fine.

To frame or not to frame.

Another empty frame stealthily creeps in. Unmistakably black against the white light. Before I can hastily grab  and  immortalize 'that' picture or 'some picture', it fades again, unmistakably white- against a black light this time.Tired and befuddled.The scent however lingers in the wake of all this mindless commotion.it happens all over again. and again. The same process repeated down to the minutest detail. Empty frames flit in and out.
  I have stopped counting the number of failed attempts to immortalize 'my picture'. An opportunity lost is lost forever. Maybe it was never meant to be.My picture was forever flawed. i did not realize it before. Now that i know,does it change anything? Does all this empty commotion have a far greater significance that eludes my immature, impractical being.? Maybe it is time to jettison all that excess baggage which has been weighing down on my diminutive frame,for what seems like ages now.
or maybe I need to simply walk that extra mile, carrying that extra baggage till I reach that state of coherence when I can discard it all with with eloquent ease-and with one sweeping stroke of my paintbrush give the finishing touch to my picture which had always been in the process of formation. just that I with all my whining and ceaseless complaining never realized it.
I can frame 'my picture' then.
.

Reading.

I have been reading. Reading quite a lot these days.Reading anything that has text on it.
Reading jerks you back to your senses, wrests emotions that were lurking all along, stultified into oblivion in that cobwebby part of your mind. Emotions that you had no idea, existed comes tumbling forth in the wake of such impassioned, frenzied perusal and weaves itself into eloquent reasoning or at least that is what one would like to believe it is.

In this welter of mind numbing logic and oddly misplaced burst of intellectualism, it is difficult to winnow out specious reasoning, waxing eloquent under a rich fabric of sophistry.It is perfectly natural to start housing beliefs that are in reality baseless and convoluted.How does one guarantee the moral veracity of what one is reading?

Some writers are inherently dogmatic.He will rest only when his writing is singled out for Nature's greatest approbation.Till the time it happens, he is wont to polemical contentions, all adorned in artistic brilliance.He will vehemently continue endorsing his beliefs, his muscles taut under the wake of frenzied writing, till he finds the necessary acceptance.
 I realize i am catering to a very parochial idea of authorship here.

And of course there are people like me who shall hungrily lap it all up and after having whetted her appetite to the point of satiation, would instinctively discard it all for other banal things.
I have not experienced such a degree of emotional involvement with text in a long time. This is a good feeling. Such is Life.

It enrages me when one reacts with pusillanimity during the most defining moments of their life. ‘Pusillanimous’ is a word I accidentally came across today; I clarify to dispel any doubts of pretentious erudition on my part. Okay to reiterate, the point is, I find it absolutely disgusting when one reacts with a sense of resignation and acceptance to put it a bit more mildly, during really important moments. Sometimes, our lives are so inextricably linked to each other that a mere twitch in one can actually cause a spasm in another. It is okay to not get disturbed and worked up but it is not okay to sit back and laze around with a ‘happiness lies in acceptance’ smile plastered on your blooming face. I find myself seething in veritable rage when I see people really close to me endorsing this kind of an attitude. After a point, it is just disturbing. I wish i could just connect their corporeal existence to a plug point and let a steady stream of electrons flow in the wake of a vast potential difference. Maybe the sheer shock of being electrocuted would jerk these lifeless forms back to life. I find it oddly incongruous when one accepts silently what Life thrusts at us. You are supposed to  bawl, throw tantrums and then stick your tongue out and get back to your feet, chins up.okay, maybe being vociferous is not exactly the most commendable thing to do but still you just can't afford to patiently endure without having any escape route in mind.Come on , be a Man and Fight with your Life just like you would have run for your Life if your were imprisoned and just had this one chance to escape.Even if the sword pierces your heart and ruptures your aorta, you must continue to fight. Fight till their is no blood left in your body to be shed.Be brave, Be valiant.On no account can you afford to come across as a coward.
and then there are people who are outwardly calm but their is a tornado raging inside them . With quiet resilience, they enter the battle-field -they fight, they endure but they do not shout even during times of excruciating pain.They are the masters of their game. Victory is inevitable when you are the one controlling your destiny.It is oddly reassuring to find such people.Maybe it is just me but i haven't come across too many people like this.

Looking back

It is inevitable that there are going to be major hiccups when you are trying to surmount a rather foreboding cliff. It doesn't get any easier especially when you are trying to combat your own inner negativities. Detailed Introspection followed by identification is the starting point. You are merely at the base of the cliff. You take another step forward. The climb ahead is arduous, rarely a journey that one would undertake voluntarily. With every painstaking step that you take forward you undergo your own spiritual metamorphosis. Not giving it undue importance, this spiritual change is as important as physical change. One always runs the risk of stagnation when there is no urgency to regenerate your soul.
Your soul is a living embodiment. You can't afford to let it starve. It needs to be fed regularly. Hygiene should be of utmost consideration. Everything must pass through a sieve before it reaches the Soul. Only when the impurities are discarded, you can say your Soul is on the path of regeneration. It is important to identify these impurities.
2011 has been all about identifying these multifarious impurities. I started my journey from the base, discontented and disillusioned. Every minute, every second since then has been a journey. With great Evil comes greater Good. This journey has been a constant reminder to refute the erroneous, discard the transient and reveal the true. The ultimate destination is not a measurable state. It is dynamic, profound and subject to constant change. It takes one years of assiduous practice to arrive at this state but only a second to deviate. I have deviated time and again. The only thing that has made me keep at it is genuine compassion and goodness. Compassion like goodness cannot be quantified in measurable terms. Every sentient being is capable of both. What matters is whether you are able to perceive this innate goodness in everyone. Only when you smile, the world will start smiling at you. I can't really remain knotted inside and expect the world to come and untangle me. No one is really bad when you actually look at the bigger picture. Everyone has their own justifications in place which can either be valid or invalid again according to you. Things get much simpler when you realize that no one has actually entrusted us with the responsibility to declare someone as right or wrong. To prove yourself right, you do not really need to prove someone else wrong. How righteous are we anyway? Freedom of speech does appear to be a very convenient contention here.
2011 has been all about undoing the baggage of things already done in a fit of impulsiveness and moments of displaced anger. Technically, it is impossible to undo things already done and on hindsight, I am happier this is the way it is. Looking back I really do not regret anything in entirety, apart from certain things in bits and pieces. You never know how strong your much talked about bonds of friendship are until the time they are tested. I am glad that I had to go through this test. I know who my true friends are. The rest are best left as acquaintances and it is best that one does not closely mingle with acquaintances. However, one person has been constant and there is little that I can do about it. Yes, at times it is ironical and extremely painful but I am willing to go through this pain in its entirety. This has been a conscious decision and I have inflicted myself a lot of pain, hurt and suppressed tears in the process but somewhere I have never been able to undermine the importance. I have realized, it is okay to hold on to what you believe in. Why is it so easy to grow distant when someone hurts you? We don't really decide anything here; it is always our ego and our false sense of vanity doing the talking. Dialogue is perhaps the only way to bridge the distance which is almost always self-imposed but taking the initiative would mean bending down and going back on what I had said once. One can't really surrender his ego here. Can he, now? The preferable option is to bind yourself, feign indifference and wave it aside with a dismissive flick. But I have realized, it takes a lot of resilience to stand up fearlessly for what matters to you , irrespective of what people have to say about you.
2011 has also been about finding my soul-sister, coming across the right people at the right time. Friends, who won't judge you for anything in the world because they have a certain amount of faith that can't really get erased overnight. 2011 has been all about heart to heart bonding in its purest essence. I do not ever think that just through mere words, I can give these people, the credit that they actually deserve. From their spirit of never begrudging, I have learnt what it means to be truly good. From them I have learnt, no matter how much people hurt you, it is not okay to hurt them back. I have learnt, no matter how righteous you are, NOTHING can justify your actions, when you are conscious of the fact that the other person is being hurt.2011 has also been about selflessly working for other people's happiness, doing everything in my power to resolve differences so that others can be truly happy. I have come to realize that it takes a lot of courage to be selfless but in the end it gives you a liberating feeling that nothing else can really compensate.
I am still nowhere near the top of the cliff but I want to believe that 2012 would see me further in this journey of self-improvement and spiritual regeneration of the soul.

the most important person!

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