ANGUISH!!!

the feeling of anguish mingled with the powerful all-consuming sense of regret is indeed terrible.now this feeling of anguish n regret, is something that creeps in when you least expect it and the uncanny suddenness of this feeling leaves you dazed and momentarily bewildered.
i believe this feeling comes to you like an uninvited guest and generally overstays its visit but therez precious little you could do bout it..but then you know that this is the signal for you to make amends even though there is this small voice at the back of your head reminding you that NOTHING PROBABLY WOULD BE THE SAME AGAIN...
all you are left with,is your bemused gaze desperately trying to grasp..what actually went wrong??.
few more days pass and you look into the mirror to find dishevelled hair,haggard appearance and a solitary tear trickling down your cheeks...you want to cry out aloud but the clammy hands of ANGUISH and REGRET vehemently seems to grasp your neck in an attempt to strangulate you..all you are left with is sadly the overwhelming sense of helplessness..
but then again with the same kind of suddenness...like a bolt out of the blue..you realize the depths of your stupidity and you try to move on with a strength and vigour that is baffling and at the same time commendable..
n then the SUN-SHINE is back again..

I do not know what to name this...

I hate starting my every post with "i know it has been ages since i last posted..." but then again *in a reflective voice*....it's been actually really ages since i last posted .. *sighs* n i really do not have any apt exscuse for it save lethargy and an abysmal state of mind gyrating between intense frenzy and optimism [even when u know, u are not even aware of half the things existing in your syllabus...forget even preparing for them]to severe pessimism and frustration heightened by an uncontrollable bitter tongue that lets itself loose on any unsuspecting victim remorselessly...yess, i ritually go through these loser-like "i do not know what i want" phases and end up bickering,fighting,shouting,cursing at all those people who sadly do care for me and stoically puts up with my indifference and idiocy and still puts in an effort to make me smile..
guys, i know i have lost count of how much i really owe you all especially to rituparna who has borne the brunt of my relentless tirades for the past seven years now...but it would really do me a world of good to have some sense knocked into me especially when i am on this loser-like mode..
i have one of these shocking pink wannabe t-shirts which is so in-your-face and screams out aloud "yes, i am spoilt..so what's your point??"...okk i just confessed i am a loser..this was just to further accentuate my loser quotient[ from henceforth i'll reffer to it simply as LQ]
one of my friends who incidentally is my blogging inspiration cuz he first introduced me on blogsphere says that "blogging is like this tonic" which refreshes your mind and basically reminds you of a better way to kill time rather than scaling new heights of joblessness every passing day..
come to think of it, i owe a lot to abhishek. with 2009 drawing to a close, there has been so many unexpected yet significant series of incidents in my life.
it's been almost a year now since i got to know a certain Abhishek Pal who happened to be this arrogant, over-confident, overtly presumtuous Mr Know it all who happened to believe he is god's gift to mankind..n to make matters worse he happened to be riju's best buddy and ritz's best friend n all my close friends absolutely adored him.His definition of himself went something like "I AM A MALFUNCTIONING,OBTUSE,ATHEISTIC,IRRITATING,EXTROVERT, SARCASTIC, PSYCHOTIC,IMPISH,MEGALOMANIAC ,MASQUERADING YET A HARMLESS CREATURE" especially after this, i am sure you cannot blame me for labelling him as arrogant and too big for his boots..Now i really want to believe, i am this perspicacious girl who is blessed with this gift of reading people's minds..in fact i am also a little arrogant and egoistical in my own sweet way i suppose..
so abhishek n me, our journey started on a v bad note...the beginning was anything but grand with me pointing out in a cloyingly sweet voice that could be well mistaken as the voice of superiority that "advice" is a noun and "advise" is a verb..hehehehehe..
amazing how certain incidents that reached explosive heights of idiocy at some point of time manages to bring a smile onto your face when you think bout it later..yess i do smile when i think bout dat incident now
what followed that debacle was even more surprising for me. My friends actually went out of their way to convince me how great Mr Pal supposedly was.He was this apparently "caring, understanding" person who juggled both academics and extra curricular activities with aplomb and grace that was enviable.riju convinced me to read his blog...and at that point of time, i was blissfully unaware of what a "blog" was.
However, some things i guess are pre-destined and great minds are meant to interact..lolzz..The IMPOSSIBLE happened, both of us mutually decided to resolve our childish differences and whatever grudges we had against each other and become "friends"..and yess with help from abhishek, i created my own account on blogger and wrote my first ever post..i returned the favour, by reading his every post on his blog and i admit i was speechless and absolutely floored by his writing. Being in JUDE now, i surely have come across a lot of good writers now but i still retain,he is one of the finest writers i have ever come across. I was dumbstruck by the sheer brilliance and intricacy of his writings and amazed at the plethora of talent that unfolded before my eyes as i read each of his posts.i admired the way he effortlessly balanced both the vernaculars and english language.
We went on to become firm friends with him being a pillar of strength and support during the most indecisive phase of my life when every day found me closer onto the path of disillusionment and derangement.He was like this "beacon of hope" amidst the darkness.i remember all the lengthy text messages,the conversations and those words of wisdom.i had some idea then why all my friends actually adored him so much.This guy could do anything for his friends.
Today, i still find him irritating at times especially when he starts puling my leg, i still keep correcting his english....sometimes even when he is right, i have to prove him wrong with my air of superiority intact... but he scores every time over me, i humbly confess..but today, i would say i am truly lucky to have a friend who is not only supremely talented but a very good human being..
it was nice meeting abhishek,sam,sakallya n maddie this 25th...we had one of our trademark uninterrupted crap talking sessions that was indeed reinvigorating and revitalizing....i remember, my childish enthusiasm and eagerness when i started describing our apparently exciting syllabus for the next semester and abhishek's rapt attention...he is one of those few people outside JUDE with whom i can talk bout my syllabus and not run the risk of getting bored cuz it's books and literature which has always been our binding factor..Somewhere today amidst all that superficial arrogance,today i know who my friend truly is and i have got this immense respect and admiration for him..
I have lost so many things this year,i guess, i myself, have lost count of what i have truly lost but amidst all the darkness and the uncertainty i have gained certain friends and looking back, now i know, i could never have wished for anything more..
i really do not know why i actually wrote this today..guess i suddenly remembered the "advice" and "advise" incident and could not help not smiling and remembering my one-time enemy and now friend..lolzz..and i also remembered what made me start blogging in the first place..
i'll get back to blogging again regularly v soon..
i will...

THE WALL!!

i know its been a hell lot of time since i last posted in my v much dysfunctional blog..but i assure u ..my absence from the bloggin circuit was purely out of a sense of innate lethargy and boredom...i clarify it was anything but circumstantial..

I have gone through a vast plethora of emotions the past few weeks. Some of these emotions have been momentary and their fleeting presence in my life have left me feeling dazed...thankfully..*sighs*...i have struggled yet again to regain conscious and have vehemently tried to protect the balance that i had consciously created in my life...This time,I decided.. i wouldn't let THEM win..yet what Victory..what fight am i talking about??...over the past few months..i had deliberatly n consciously created a protective wall around myself...a wall which is strong n impenetrable and the perfect facade to the overtly sensitive..scared..insecure individual lurking beneath...This WALL was everything that I was NOT and EVERYTHING that i wanted to be..I wanted to believe my WALL was strong,impassive intransigent,independent as opposed to the delicate,fragile confused soul within..it gave me the power..the succour to fathom the beauty n uncertainity of life..it gave me the strength to fight..to survive and to WIN...
But this WALL is sadly disintegrating today....
THis WALL will cease to exist ..the day all the people who helped to create this WALL ceases to exist in my life..
the pain of separation is something which i have learnt to live with now..out of necessity n sheer compulsion than out of desire..yet at times..much to my utmost annoyance n frustration..this pain re emerges like some sort of a decapitated..dismembered spirit from the Past and leaves me feeling tainted..mutilated...and yet again Insecure..
these r the moments..when i silently cower behind my WALL..behind its strong..reassuring..inscruatable presence..
these r the moments when i want to believe i am beautiful n the luckiest girl on this planet..
these r the moments..when i escape in my own world that i have again created for myself..
these r the moments when i count all the people who matter to me in my life n try n obliterate the scars of all the unpleasant memories in my life..
these r the moments when i want to LIVE..when i actually want to fight back with a new surge of optimism..
These r the moments..when i try to fall in love with myself all over again!!

All these moments brings me closer to myself...

this is just one of those days when i am at the end of my tether..when nothin works out n leaves me musing at the futility of all the mundane aspects of life..this is just one of those days when i sit down n THINK..

i am sure this phase will soon pass..n the cheerful..exuberant, optimistic girl u all know will be back..

P.S
I have been lately counting all the people who matter the most to me these days...
n i admit..i feel truly BLESSED to have u all in my life..i love u all..u guys r shit important to me..

Amrita...[its d narcissistic me speaking..yet again}

of vermillion...dhaak n finally d end of it all..

okk durga puja is over..*takes a deep breadth*..

the frenzy..the excitement..the meeting up with old friends....first meetings in some cases..the smell of the new clothes..the parade in front of the mirror for the umpteenth time much to the exasperation of the other inmates of the house to see wether you are looking your best...dabbing generous amounts of kohl under your eyes and the touch of gloss to get that perfect bohemian chic look before you finally step out in style....the pulsating rythm of the dhaak which leaves you yearning for more...trying out the 'twist' n 'masakali' steps oblivious of the hundreds of people watchin you...gyrating to the frenzied beats of the dhaak with the dhunuchi balanced precariously on top of your head....awestruck by the sheer brilliance of the lights....glitter....fluffy white balloons up in the air..children laughing..mothers holding their hands tightly so that they do not lose their way in the frenzied milieu...the vast multitude of people everywhere dressed up in their new attire..contented..happy..you actually start wondering..how you have lived in calcutta ever since the time you chose to exist and had actually never realized that it comprised so many people??....you look around and you can sense the excitement..it is palpable..you identify with the smiling faces..the sense of absolute freedom and independence...the joy of finally going out alone with friends...the initial surge of emotion when you finally see someone you had been dying to meet after ages..the hugs..the hand shakes or sometimes just a smile is enough to tell them that they had been missed...the incessant late night adda sessions,,pandal hopping...going back home dead tired at four in the morning...and then lapsing into that enviable state of blissful somnolence....getting up late in the mornings just in time for 'pushpanjali'....and then its yet another day of festivity...of having junk food from the cheap road-side stalls....not really caring bout the amount of calories you are taking in..yet another adda session with your para cum school cum college friends...of mushy love stories and love at first sight romances; durga puja is an expression of freedom and happiness...everyone is equal on the five days that mother is here..we are all her children....no one is rich and no one is poor when Ma is here....

this puja was however a revelation of sorts....i discovered new 'kindred spirits' in my life yet again and for the first time i was supremely happy...i always had these childhood fantasies that 'kindred spirits' would come into my life during my times of distress [would drop down from heaven to be more precise]..and would have a halo round their heads so that i could easily identify them...but in reality such things really do not happen..they come into your life when you are least expecting them and then they leave an indelible impression behind...sometimes you meet them under the most unexpected circumstances....sometimes it's just a hilarious episode that makes you bond with them or just one fated bus journey or simply a 'fight'....but they end up becoming an indispensable part in your life..the bottom-line is.. kINDRED SPIRITS DO EXIST!!...

i woke up on doshomi morning to realize that everything was about to end.. and it was with a queer feeling of sadness mixed with this sense of deja vu that i trudged sombrely upto my para pandal to have my last discourse with MA before she left for her pleasure-dome....but i was awaited by a different spectacle all together....i saw women resplendently clad in red bordered white saris engaged in "sindur khela"...for the first time maybe i saw vermillion in this different light but there was no mistakening the glow on their faces as the newly married women smeared vermillion onto each other.....its amazing how beautiful the quintessential true indian beauty truly is just like Ma..who is austere..pristine yet impassive..intransigent...the vermillion signified something more than just them being married..it was the epitome of bonding for all these women who embraced each other and smeared 'sindur' on each other's fore-head united by the common thread of bondage that at times segregrate a woman from a girl...a mother from a daughter..

it was a beautiful sight..something which is ineffable and cannot really be comprehended by a mere eighteen year old girl with abysmal maturity and understanding..

i am still trying to understand the "quintessential indian beauty"

this post today is more for all the kindred spirits in my life than for anyone else....

The Brighter side of Life...

Some not-so fascinating, hard truths of life that you are priviledged to experience, the moment you step out of the cocoon of school life and cross the 'seven seas' to be one with the universe at large..ie ..your initiation to the place of your dreams....of unparalelled independence....of frequent off-periods...of 'happening' places further accentuated by an equally 'happening' ..ultra cool gang....only to discover that this was not the independence that you had craved for in your wildest dreams....this was not the vision of your dream-land that you had conjured up in your mind in moments of passionate frenzy...suddenly, you realize with a jolt..you desperately want to extricate youself from the tenacious grip of reality...only that you do not have the return ticket.....so what do you do then..??some wise people have already said that the secret of happiness lies in acceptance and even if you do not subscribe to this view..acceptance does seem the most logical solution at this point of time...so even before you realize ..you have already got accustomed to the ways of the world...and then slowly and inevitably..the sweet, poignant,cherished memories of school days....days filled with sunshine, innocence and vulnerablity recedes into the innermost recesses of your mind.....at times, nostalgia overflows and you look back at them wistfully, shouting out aloud to a particularly indifferent passer-by.."those were the best days of my life"...this paticularly indifferent passer-by then bestows you a particularly pitiable look and you then fully conscious of your stupid statement..moves on with life..not caring to spare even a furtive glance back at the road already travelled......

But as i said before acceptance does at one point of time lead to happiness....

so here goes my lame effort to capture the most enjoyable moments of college in my blog..

Well i'll go a step forward by actually saying that i love JUDE now....Upasana saw my previous post and was damn pissed off with me....so i apologize now...n upasana and chandrima..i just LOVE YOU GUYZ...and i am not exactly trying to hit on you both,,hehehe..

i love it when i have to half run, half wade, through the slush en route the S9 bus stand to be greeted by an ever smiling bunch of idiots who shout out aloud in unision "You are late yet again!!"...[am not generally late but prannoy n rajarshi is always before time n rats just manages to be on time while ritu is the self confessed late lateef..she has this whole history behind her for being late right from her school days so it isn't too surprising..]...but lately the 5 of us rarely make it together in the mornings due to different timings but we do make an effort to match our timings when we return home after a hard day's work [read:2 periods of incessant core classes-bunking ED's for me- relegiously devoting some time at milan da's and ah yess..SCM when the weather is nice and v feel particularly indulgent and yess how could i forget, as kalpan n dipankar calls it a considerable amount of "jheeling" these days for the necessary socializing bit..you see we judeans have this entire reputation of being highly sociable people....so this more or less can be safely categorized under "hard day's work" bit..lolzz]..but yess i just lost the thread again [this is so like me]...

so as i said, we do make an effort to match our timings while returning home, sometimes squeezing in unplanned pleasure trips to SCM...its this 'effort' which matters and its this 'effort' again which still binds us together months after school....wether its giving missed calls to each other for no apparent reason whatsoever in the middle of the class or texting some profane languages to rats just for the sake of time pass and ahh yess stalking chin chin throughout the university, irritating cole,hitting sayan n teasing prannoy with my trademark question "tor bepare kisob sunchi jeno??"replete with the v amritaish voice of supressed laughter n attempted seriousness at the same time..lolzz...its such a reassurance to know that half the people i love and adore are just at the other side of the university and i just need to text them once [ cuz its cheaper that way..lolzz] to let them know that i am missing them n i need them by my side....yet some things definitely have changed...rats is at his "keta marofying" best these days...n ritu is attempting to set the stage on fire with her new found dancing skills..never did i imajine in my wildest dreams that i would live to see the day when she would be performing onstage...i on the other hand have become even more voluble n is proudly scaling new heights of carelessness these days....the "terrefic trio" still does exist in spirit even today but i can sadly see the equations between the three of us changing as we struggle to cope with the fact that we have "new friends" ....rats, all that i can tell you is that no matter how many new friends, me n ritu we both have...you will always remain special and no one can really take your place in our lives..the bond that we three share is special and is not so WEAK..!!!

Sub has changed a lot over the last few months as is evident from his newly created orkut account....IIT has definitely contributed a lot to his new found lingo which is going down v well with my idiotic friends..sub..theres really nothing to be so proud of learnin such objectionable slangs and hurling them at each n everyone..lolzz..n i am serious..but its amazing to know that even though shaggu n sub are separated from us "geographically"..nothing has really changed....[read: we still abuse each other and talk crap like we used to ..in fact sub is talking a hell lot of crap these days..]

yet i miss riju even though we have bonded even more strongly in the last few months...bro, there is this sudden urgency within me to share so many things with you which i have to brutally supress...i just can't wait to meet u..

though there is this still major SLS hangover enveloping my life...i can say i am enjoying lot in JUDE land these days..accentuated all the more by the presence of the two new found kindred spirits, upasana n chandrima in my life..i really do not know what would i have ever done without you two...i never thought i would actually find an extension of myself in college, but i did find you both..its amazing how well we have bonded in such a short time...i love it the way you two actually take the patience to listen to all my never-ending crap, babysit me and try and get me out of the stickiest situation possible...i love upasana's hyperactivness, her cute "popeye" voice and the way she jumps up n down when shez excited..yet there's so much more to her than what just meets the eye..shez a dynamite and i love you for your spirit and accepting me for what i am....chandrima..well shez my first friend in college and shez actually the one who changed my entire definition bout JUDE....shez a fighter and a survivor...its impressive, the way she turns the most unfavourable situation to her advantage..i love the way she silently and powerfully commands respect..unlike upasana n me she is more restrained... but again,unlike both of us she fights back when required with enviable confidence while me n upasana are left tongue-tied..i love the way she constantly monitors my actions so i do not land myself into trouble time and again which i am perfectly capable of...

i know i have said this to you both a hundred times before but i'l say this again..i really love you both and you two r shit important to me...thank you guyz for being there for me...

even though a lot has changed, while a lot still remains the same.... i know for sure that a part of myself has changed for the better while another part of me has died for ever..its the pessimistic, negative part of me that i have killed today so that i can have ample room for optimism in future...

AMrita..[its me back again!!]

S9 n US!!!!!!!!!

Its time i sit down n write yet another post....yess its been really that long!!..i ended my previous post on a v depressin note..something that i am really ashamed of now because its v much unlike the real, exuberant, bubbly Amrita...but guyzz this Amrita that i am talking about is incomplete [read:nothing] without her friends....
I would have to say God has been extremely kind to me and i can do out with that tinge of nonchalance in my voice with ease now...yess the TERREFIC TRIO IS BACK again!!!.,..its really asking too much from Providence when you want your two best friends to be with you in college....but even the impossible does become possible at times...
So you would find 3 friends..one voluble....the other restrained and the third armed with new innovative ways to irritate me....the three of them trudging up the bus-stand wading through generous amounts of mud when relatively dry n slush when the Weather is not so kind and thoughtful..and yess you would find them making way to their favourite bus which would take them to their destination that talks of promises galore... especially whem the three of them decides to sit together....you'll find them unoblivious to the other occupants of the bus...immersed in their own cheerful banter... reminiscent of their blissful school days most of the time..sometimes the topic does shift to the oh-so -usual hot girls n hunks in college and their romantic exploits...sometimes ragging becomes the sole crux of their discussion..with girl no1 boasting of extremely friendly,sophisticated,intellectual seniors who condemns ragging as cheap and unintellectual....girl no 1 frequently elucidates every point by talking about the huge intellectual contrast between her department and theirs..[the other 2 sadly belongs to the same dept]..and also she has this habit of lecturing you blue into the face....After an eventful 1 hour highly rejuvenated..you would find cthe three warriors ready to combat any circumstances that comes their way as long as they have each other to fall back upon....sometimess girl no 1 is extremely elated to find other people from the SLS brigade and even a ignorant passer-by cannot miss out that that look of ineffable happiness as she exuberantly n cheerfully blurts out.."idiots...wassup with you guys!!"...those are the best moments of her life....nostalgia overflows and sometimes you would find her pushing back a tear or two..there's no reason for her to cry....yet sometimes things such as they have all "grown up".."mature individuals"...becomes suddenly starkly evident to her leaving her a bit shaken..To her "growing up" is something that does not come gratis but with a generous helping of increasing "detachment"..its this increasing detachment that brings tears to her eyess..girl no 1 is too sensitive for her own good..
girl no1 has made lots of friends in her department too..some shez indifferent to..some she absolutely adores..some she thinks are v sweet n ahh..the inevitable some..who keeps on reminding her..that therez so much that they know and she doesn't..its good in a way ..she feels at times..
Lately, girl no 1 has become v passionate about her chosen field and shez determined to be a winner this time..all in all unlike her previous thread of thoughts bout people being extremely unfriendly, distant and disinterested...her new opinion is definitely a departure from the previous and is more inclined towards being increasingly positive....and a large dosage of this positivity comes from the presense of her two best friends..she knows she can run to them whenever she wants to..
finally its the end of yet another hectic day and you would finds..RAts, Ritu n Amrita seated in S9 heading back home..ah sweet home..especially after a tired day....you would find dishevelled hair,tanned faces..but that look of vitality as they fill in each other in turn about how their day has been is unmistakable...
S9 is just not a bus for them....
m just too tired now...so i'll pause my post here..but therez more to S9 than just this....
missing SLS a lot.....
Amrita..[a part of my former self is back again..ritu..i love u]

THE EPOCH IN MY LIFE!!!

What's this weird thing about life.....there's this phase when you are dying to get something...you know this is it..this is what you want to do with your life and then the next moment..when you have got what you thought what you wanted, you suddenly look back and realize..you have got it all messed up!!..and then even before you realize it..you are actually skating on thin ice....its like the coveted cherry on the top of your ice-cream that tastes pathetically "sour"...i know i sound like one of those cliched 'difficult to please' types..who spend most of their times groaning bout the dismal treatment meted out to them by "Life"..especially when "Life" has been particularly fair and just to me....but somewhere i can't really help it. The truth about "LIfe" is that..He is the Big Boss and you have to accept that sooner or later....He always does have the upper hand..I hate it ..when someone tells me "its all destiny, dear..you can't go against god's wishes"..there's this vain, supercilious voice at the back of my mind desperatly urging me to blurt out then "You mind your own business while I mind mine...i choose my destiny..i don't let it choose mine!!"..in most cases, religiously living up to the bestowed tag of being arrogant and too straightforward for my own good, i have voiced my opinions vociferously which naturally never went down too well with my so called "well-wishers"....but the distorted truth about life is that some things are really predestined and its best you accept that...More than an after-thought, i write this post in a state og agitation and frustration....agitated; because i had not reflected once about what i was letting myself into, swayed by a insane, passionate frenzy...and frustrated..because..i do not see a way out of this quagmire..
I had always wanted to study eng hons..as i always nurtured a passionate, romantic frenzy of the concept of studying eng hons....its the place where you get to show your creative prowess..weave magic with your words...open up new untramelled vistas of all the highly energetic and inspiring political theories, romantic novels..it was the place where you get to read all those gripping, scintillating novels that you never got to read in school as your so called 'text-books'...spend hours in the land of literature romancing your favourite authors..it was the place where you had the choice to choose your own books..[after having spent two agonizing yearsin the materialistic world of science..i was lookin for a respite from the 'logical' tirade]...in a way you could say...studying english was to me akin to taking a trip in the land you love....you have always wanted to embrace, ever since the time you got hooked to the world of enid blyton..the world of pixies, elves, fairies,,boarding-school..and ah yess..the frenzied world of magic!!!..Magic Realism!!!, i prefer to call it now....the land where surrealism replaces your unromantic. materialistic Reality...so maybe i guess i was destined to be disappointed. I was in seventh heaven [read:super excited} when i suddenly found out i could call myself a JUDEan...trust me..[please do trust me on this one]..i have always wanted to be a JUDEan..have dreamt, fantasized about the concept so much that even before the results had actually come out..i would actually behave as if i was already there...so it was with mixed feelings i recieved the news..i was undoubtely elated [read: i spent the entire night awake pacing in my room, dreaming about all the new unexplored horizons that was going to open up]...in a way, gettin JU..marked a new epoch in my life..a bend in the journey of my life that alone had the immense fortitude to change my life forever....i quote one of my seniors saying this to me "You can either make or break your life at JU..the choice is ultimately yors!"...i felt myself weighed down by the immense debt of gratitude that i felt for God for blessing me with this opportunity at the most crucial juncture of my life..
So it was with a lot of pre-conceived opinions about it being highly acclaimed and offering the best courses in Calcutta, i went to class..having astronomical expectations from my three year stint at JU....and also i have heard oh so much about the so called "congenial" ambience...the secret in order to be happy is to stop expecting anything from life..there you go...am truly a genius when it comes to preaching and not practising all the advices that i so munificently hand out..
but somehow JU did not appeal to me....in a matter of few seconds [read:hours]..the image that i had created in my mind was smashed...somehow to me everyone seems to be disinterested, disinclined, unfriendly.....the floodgates opened up in my heart..and every moment that i seem to spend there reminds me of my days spent at SLS, the fun,the frolic, the camaraderie,the fights...the mimicry,the link-ups...as opposed to the silent. indifferent, cynical temparament that has come to describe "ME" today...the most frightening thing was that when i suddenly looked at myself today in the mirror..i was shocked to see a v disinterested person staring back at me..the look of vitality and the gregarious nature that had always been a part of myself was distinctly missing..i really do not remember the last time when i had laughed heartily over some joke which one of my many idiotic feriends used to crack ritually..i would do anything to getback to my 'idiotic' friends now...more than the apparent idiocy that describes them..its their simplicity which made all of us bond so strongly..its this simplicity which is definitely missing at JU and again its this simplicity which i am looking for here....ah so much for all the fantasies and dreams!!!...yess i can see that cruel, self-satisfied satanic smile on the Devils countenance that seem to spell out the infamous adage "do not count your chickens before they are hatched"....
But as i said..coming to JU does mark a v vital epoch in my life..something within me tells me ..my life is about to change forever!!..it might be for the better or for the worse..i do not know why but i think..the propensity is more on the latter..yet i am hoping that just lyk a zephyr amidst my disillusionment..JU would come to symbolize my haven just as it did 5 yrs back when i joined SLS..with uncertainity to bank upon then....i am hoping for the best and yess i do not hav any choice today other than to succumb into the hands of Destiny...
Amrita..[in a pathetic attempt to rediscover myself yet again]