i know its been a hell lot of time since i last posted in my v much dysfunctional blog..but i assure u ..my absence from the bloggin circuit was purely out of a sense of innate lethargy and boredom...i clarify it was anything but circumstantial..
I have gone through a vast plethora of emotions the past few weeks. Some of these emotions have been momentary and their fleeting presence in my life have left me feeling dazed...thankfully..*sighs*...i have struggled yet again to regain conscious and have vehemently tried to protect the balance that i had consciously created in my life...This time,I decided.. i wouldn't let THEM win..yet what Victory..what fight am i talking about??...over the past few months..i had deliberatly n consciously created a protective wall around myself...a wall which is strong n impenetrable and the perfect facade to the overtly sensitive..scared..insecure individual lurking beneath...This WALL was everything that I was NOT and EVERYTHING that i wanted to be..I wanted to believe my WALL was strong,impassive intransigent,independent as opposed to the delicate,fragile confused soul within..it gave me the power..the succour to fathom the beauty n uncertainity of life..it gave me the strength to fight..to survive and to WIN...
But this WALL is sadly disintegrating today....
THis WALL will cease to exist ..the day all the people who helped to create this WALL ceases to exist in my life..
the pain of separation is something which i have learnt to live with now..out of necessity n sheer compulsion than out of desire..yet at times..much to my utmost annoyance n frustration..this pain re emerges like some sort of a decapitated..dismembered spirit from the Past and leaves me feeling tainted..mutilated...and yet again Insecure..
these r the moments..when i silently cower behind my WALL..behind its strong..reassuring..inscruatable presence..
these r the moments when i want to believe i am beautiful n the luckiest girl on this planet..
these r the moments..when i escape in my own world that i have again created for myself..
these r the moments when i count all the people who matter to me in my life n try n obliterate the scars of all the unpleasant memories in my life..
these r the moments when i want to LIVE..when i actually want to fight back with a new surge of optimism..
These r the moments..when i try to fall in love with myself all over again!!
All these moments brings me closer to myself...
this is just one of those days when i am at the end of my tether..when nothin works out n leaves me musing at the futility of all the mundane aspects of life..this is just one of those days when i sit down n THINK..
i am sure this phase will soon pass..n the cheerful..exuberant, optimistic girl u all know will be back..
P.S
I have been lately counting all the people who matter the most to me these days...
n i admit..i feel truly BLESSED to have u all in my life..i love u all..u guys r shit important to me..
Amrita...[its d narcissistic me speaking..yet again}
11 comments:
Every time I read your blog, I am left to wonder whether it's the very same girl I see everyday in JU. Wonderful piece of writing, in spite of the sense of bewilderment at your two totally different personalities. Cheers!
i know..i sound like an intriguing compendium of contradictions..
Righto....I agree with Abhijit....but ei dewar tutagi kaise?Yeah toh Ambuja cement se created hai!!
n Not a word abt AHM...n d happiness of being a moderator???
Hey Amrita,all of us live in a bubble of our own pretending to master a world we probably know nothing about but sometimes it's our vulnerabilities that make us dearer to the ones we see everyday...This piece of writing reminds me of a conversation I once had with you on S9...Don't know if you remember it...anyway,it's a good piece...hope you'll be ok with your semi-schizophrenia soon enough!-Sreejata
ya sreejata i remember d conversation i had vit u in S9 once..but ya wait..do u have a blog of ur own??pray ..give me the link..i'll add u in my followers ka list..
I'm glad you remember it and the link 2 my blog is http://sreejatapaul.blogspot.com/
oiiii dearie wats wrong again.........i thot things were gettin straightened out 4 once aftr so many months.........bt nw dere u go again...........
I.am now an official member of blogdom.
I.will now be able to read all your posts regularly.And give you my thoughts.
And.I will bonk you over the head if you dare let things get you down.I don't know about your being lucky,but the beautiful part is most definitely true.And we're there for you,Teddy.
Yayayay :)
Now go figure who I am.
Srijan Poetry Festival in Late January.If u want 2 read out urworks in front of noted poets like Joy Goswami, Srijato,et al...pls mail 3 of ur poems at srijan2000@gmail.com.They wl let u know if u r selected.Mail b4 mid-December
The important thing is not to look on balance as a wall. Find that peace or security within yourself and you won't need some kind of external buffer :)
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